OK, I go to the Dentist this morning, so he can finish up my “dental work.”
And I tell him, “I’m in the midst of a major thyroiditis flare-up, so just be aware.”
“OK,” says he and administers enough pain medication to put down a large COW!
(How do I know this, you want to know?! Well, it’s been 4 hours and I’m still having difficulty breathing through my right nostril and have no idea where my lips are — or for that matter, where my tongue is in relationship to the roof of my mouth!)
Under normal circumstances, this “extra numbness” wouldn’t really be too bothersome because I’d rather have the “extra pain relief,” than actual “PAIN.”
But you see, I had to do a million and one errands today, because I have “Curly” of “The 3 Stooges Plumbing Co.” coming over tomorrow, and I don’t have time to do errands any other day this week!
So, I take me and my numb lips on over to our local Costco and as I’m pushin’ my cart around, I’m thinkin’ to myself:
“Ya know, God has a way of taking care of you. He probably didn’t want you to be shopping tomorrow, which is the day before a major holiday. This is good. Yes, this has total potential for being a good day. Just embrace it and get into a better frame of mind, OK?”
That’s what I’m telling myself as I circle the refrigeration section of the store for the fourth time!
By this point, I’m developing freezer burn on my thighs from passing the dairy section so many times and I’m thinkin’:
“This is ridiculous! Where in Sam Hill are the hotdogs?”
“Ah, be still my little heart. Me thinks I spot a helpful Costco employee over in the detergent aisle!”
I walk over and ask Mr. Costco himself. Surely he’ll know. He looks to be a bright young man.
“Young man, could you please tell me where I’d find the hotdogs?”, I query.
He slowly stops what he’s doing, lowers his head, eyes me from head to toe over the rims of his glasses and smugly informs me,
“Ma’am, you might wanna try the refrigeration aisle for hotdogs. This is the detergent aisle.”
All I could think of at the time is the comedienne Jeanne Robertson’s comment:
“Have you ever wanted to take a young person’s head, put it between your hands, look them square in the face and YELL: Are you in there?! Seriously, Are you in there?!!”
(For those of you that have seen her on YOU TUBE, you’ll remember the line. For those of you who haven’t heard of her, You don’t know what you’re missing! Look her up!)
To make a short story even longer, I eventually find the hotdogs (And no, People, I don’t usually eat hotdogs, but it was the 4th of July, don’t ‘cha know) and I’m driving outta the parking lot thinking to myself:
“What the shit?! Do I look like I’m learning-impaired?!”
“My God! I’m old, but not dead yet!”
I then catch a look at myself in the rear view mirror and notice what I think is a perspiration stain on the front of my shirt.
And then it slowly dawns on me:
Oh…My…God! That’s DROOL!!
DROOL! (a.k.a dental goop from the caverns of my mouth!! Yuck!)
The kid probably took one look at me and thought I was a bonafide member of our local “Over the Hill Retirement Community.”
Lord! Lord! Lord! How I miss my mind!
People, don’t be drooling on yourself! (at least not in public!)
I’ll catch ya next week for another adventure living “Life from MY Shoes”!