If you recall, my Dr. told me a while ago that I’d best be losing some weight.
The menopausal midriff that I’ve recently acquired ain’t just a thyroid problem, and I’d best be cutting back on my bread and pasta! (Yeah, right?! Like this is so easy for an Italian who was raised with Jewish breads and pastries from our local bakery! You might as well tell me to cut off my right arm!!)
So, being the ever compliant patient that I am, I made myself some bacon, eggs, home fries and a toasted, buttered N.Y. bagel (no salt, of course! I’m trying to eat healthy, don’t ‘cha know?!)
“Hm, maybe I should walk over to our pet sitter’s house and pick up the key we lent her. She lives a couple of blocks up the road, so that should burn off my breakfast calories, fer sure!”
I get there in no time flat and think to myself, “Dam Girl! You should be proud of yourself! I think you’ve even worked up a little mist on your upper lip! The Doctor’s gonna be totally proud of you!”
Capricia (“Cap”) meets me out in front of her house and we start talking about my little parking issue from the day before.
I’m still feeling “miffed”, over the county’s response to our parking and trash issues in front of our house, and then she tells me about her issues in front of her house! (“OMG! I thought we had issues! Ours are nothing compared to hers!”)
She lives by our local high school, so I’m “assuming” her problems are with some of the know-it-all teenagers who walk by her house.
“Ya wanna talk about parking issues?”
“I’ll tell you about parking issues,” she enthusiastically gestures with her hands waving up and down!
“I’ve got an ice cream truck owner, named Jorge, who parks in front of our home at the end of every school day – Monday thru Friday!”
“And every day there’s a bunch of over-zealous, over-sexed teenagers waiting for ice cream precariously balanced on the head of my LAWN SPRINKLERS!!!”
“It’s not bad enough that Big Foot and his lady friends line up and stomp on our sprinkler heads,” she continues, “but they gotta tongue wrestle while they’re waiting in line!!”
Cap animatedly continues,”Cazzo! Mi fa cagare!” Loosely translated: WTS!!! It makes me crazy (or poop, depending on what section of Italy you say it in!!)!
Hm…did I tell you that Capricia’s an Italian, too? (Just in case you didn’t figure that out already?)Talks fast and with her hands, so I totally “get her“!
While she’s saying this, I’m eye-balling the front of her home and it’s pristine beautiful – beautifully manicured flower bed, a perfectly cut lawn, newly painted trim on the house, etc. A house right out of Better Homes and Garden.
Cap continues waving her hands and shouting, “And if THAT’S not enough of a hassle, I open up my garage door one day and find a totally strange man sitting in his truck in my driveway in front of my garage doors!”
“I go up to him, knock on his door window and yell, “Scuse me! Scuse me!! Do I know you?!”
“No,” he calmly responds, “I’m waiting for my kid to get out of school and I didn’t think you’d mind.”
By this time, I’m bent over with laughter because I can’t believe the audacity of this jerk and Cap continues.
“Yes, she yells at the guy, “I do mind, so will you get your sorry butt outta my driveway and let me outta my garage?!!!”
“And by the way, my husband’s a retired Police Captain,” she adds.
Now did I tell you about Cap’s husband, Otto? He doesn’t get as animated over things like this, because he’s “been there and done that.” He has seen so much crap in his life as a Police Officer that nothing fazes him…makes Cap crazy as a shithouse rat! (But that’s a story for another day!)
Cap, however, believes you gotta give the”ole Italian stink eye” to get people’s attention!
I’m thinking maybe the “ole Italian stink eye” might just work with our parking issues! What da ya think, people??
Yep! Life in Lucie’s shoes sure is a hoot! Have a great day, People! And remember: Take a moment or two each day to share a laugh with a friend or relative. You never know whose day you’ll brighten by that simple little act of kindness.
Wait….what the heck’s on my lip?! Mist?!!
WTS?!! This isn’t mist! My nose is running!
The entire time I was talking to Cap I had snot on my lip!
Oh for Pete’s sake! In the period of a couple of months, the public has seen me with drool, lotion goobers, and now SNOT!!
Snot, people! Snot! (A.K.A. Nasal drippin’ goop!!!)
I think I’ve hit my all time low…Geesch!
Thank you, Lord! I appreciate your sense of humor! Just in case my little Buddha belly and Me were feeling “too uppity”, I can always depend on you to keep me humble!
Life in my shoes can certainly keep me grounded at times, People!
Catch ya next week for another adventure looking at life from “my shoes”!