Cazzo! Parking Issues (Part 2)

Ok.

If you recall, my Dr. told me a while ago that I’d best be losing some weight.

The menopausal midriff that I’ve recently acquired ain’t just a thyroid problem, and I’d best be cutting back on my bread and pasta! (Yeah, right?! Like this is so easy for an Italian who was raised with Jewish breads and pastries from our local bakery! You might as well tell me to cut off my right arm!!)

So, being the ever compliant patient that I am, I made myself some bacon, eggs, home fries and a toasted, buttered N.Y. bagel (no salt, of course! I’m trying to eat healthy, don’t ‘cha know?!)

“Hm, maybe I should walk over to our pet sitter’s house and pick up the key we lent her. She lives a couple of blocks up the road, so that should burn off my breakfast calories, fer sure!”

I get there in no time flat and think to myself, “Dam Girl! You should be proud of yourself! I think you’ve even worked up a little mist on your upper lip! The Doctor’s gonna be totally proud of you!”

Capricia (“Cap”) meets me out in front of her house and we start talking about my little parking issue from the day before.

I’m still feeling “miffed”, over the county’s response to our parking and trash issues in front of our house, and then she tells me about  her issues in front of her house! (“OMG! I thought we had issues! Ours are nothing compared to hers!”)

She lives by our local high school, so I’m “assuming” her problems are with some of the know-it-all teenagers who walk by her house.

“Ya wanna talk about parking issues?”

“I’ll tell you about parking issues,” she enthusiastically gestures with her hands waving up and down!

“I’ve got an ice cream truck owner, named Jorge, who parks in front of our home at the end of every school day – Monday thru Friday!”

“And every day there’s a bunch of over-zealous, over-sexed teenagers waiting for ice cream precariously balanced on the head of my LAWN SPRINKLERS!!!”

“It’s not bad enough that Big Foot and his lady friends line up and stomp on our sprinkler heads,”  she continues, “but they gotta tongue wrestle while they’re waiting in line!!”

Cap animatedly continues,”Cazzo! Mi fa cagare!” Loosely translated: WTS!!! It makes me crazy (or poop, depending on what section of Italy you say it in!!)!

Hm…did I tell you that Capricia’s an Italian, too? (Just in case you didn’t figure that out already?)Talks fast and with her hands, so I totally “get her“!

While she’s saying this, I’m eye-balling the front of her home and it’s pristine beautiful – beautifully manicured flower bed, a perfectly cut lawn, newly painted trim on the house, etc. A house right out of  Better Homes and Garden.

Cap continues waving her hands and shouting, “And if THAT’S not enough of a hassle, I open up my garage door one day and find a totally strange man sitting in his truck in my driveway in front of my garage doors!”

“I go up to him, knock on his door window and yell, “Scuse me! Scuse me!! Do I know you?!”

“No,” he calmly responds, “I’m waiting for my kid to get out of school and I didn’t think you’d mind.”

By this time, I’m bent over with laughter because I can’t believe the audacity of this jerk and Cap continues.

“Yes, she yells at the guy, “I do mind, so will you get your sorry butt outta my driveway and let me outta my garage?!!!”

“And by the way, my husband’s a retired Police Captain,” she adds.

Now did I tell you about Cap’s husband, Otto? He doesn’t get as animated over things like this, because he’s “been there and done that.” He has seen so much crap in his life as a Police Officer that nothing fazes him…makes Cap crazy as a shithouse rat! (But that’s a story for another day!)

Cap, however, believes you gotta give the”ole Italian stink eye” to get people’s attention!

I’m thinking maybe the “ole Italian stink eye” might just work with our parking issues! What da ya think, people??

Yep! Life in Lucie’s shoes sure is a hoot! Have a great day, People! And remember: Take a moment or two each day to share a laugh with a friend or relative. You never know whose day you’ll brighten by that simple little act of kindness.

Wait….what the heck’s on my lip?! Mist?!!

WTS?!! This isn’t mist! My nose is running!

The entire time I was talking to Cap I had snot on my lip!

Oh for Pete’s sake! In the period of a couple of months, the public has seen me with drool, lotion goobers, and now SNOT!!

Snot, people! Snot! (A.K.A. Nasal drippin’ goop!!!)

Disgusting!

I think I’ve hit my all time low…Geesch!

Thank you, Lord!  I appreciate your sense of humor! Just in case my little Buddha belly and Me were feeling “too uppity”, I can always depend on you to keep me humble!

Life in my shoes can certainly keep me grounded at times, People!

Catch ya next week for another adventure looking at life from “my shoes”!

Lucie and the Door Lock (Part 2)

So, any hoo, I start heading out the door this morning for a little exercise – locked the front door behind me and as I’m leaving my front gate, I notice the sun’s super bright today and I decide that I need my sunglasses.

So, I head on back to open the door to get my glasses. I put my key in the door and nothing, absolutely nothing in the lock moves!!!

And then it dawns on me: I have no phone to “call home!” (Hell! Even ET devised a system to “call home!”)

At this point, I’m starting to talk to myself and think , “Lucie, you’re up the proverbial creek, woman! And Ms. Princess herself isn’t around today to bail your sorry ass out!”

I’ve got this important follow up visit with a specialist that I’ve been seeing, don’t ‘cha know, and I hear Miss Betsy’s sweet, calm yogi voice reminding me to take some deep cleansing breaths; some very deep breaths…..

Then the ex-New Yorker kicks in and I think, “To hell with Miss Betsy! I gotta 10:30 appointment and it’s 9 o’clock! Yoga or no yoga techniques, I gotta date with a very important Dr.! I need to get my butt in my house and take a shower! I don’t have time to breathe, for Chriminy sakes!”

Long story short, I get into the house and it dawns on me: The Princess has been complaining about this dam lock forever. So I start thinking, “Hm..maybe I can give this lock a little lookie loo and fix-er right up!”

Yeah, right! For those of you who know us, when have we ever been able to quickly “fix anything without it taking us forever and a day?!”

OK, if I had taken “Miss Betsy’s advice” and tried some deep breathing techniques, I’d be thinkin’ clearer. But, instead, I get my handy dandy power tool out, and lickety – split (before you can say, Jackie Robinson!), the front face of the lock falls off and into our fountain!

Now thank goodness the fountain is broken and has no water in it, so all I have to do is put my hand through a few thousand or so spider webs and I’m good to go!

I start working on the lock and it dawns on me: “I musta fallen asleep during locksmithin’ class years ago, ‘cuz I don’t have a clue as to where all these parts go!!!”

“Holy free holy!

What the heck am I gonna do now?! I’ve got a hole in my door as big as all of Texas, parts in my hand and no idea what to do and the clock’s ticking!

Oh….My….God!

Take a deep breath.Take a very deep breath!

30 minutes later with the help of duck tape and holy intervention, I get the lock on and am good to go!

“Lucie, get in the shower and get your Buddha belly to the Doctor!!”

As I head out the door, I put the key in the lock and I notice something gold and shiny in the fountain.

WTS?!  It’s a piece to the lock!!!!

Oh….My….God! You’ve gotta be kidding me!

Otz zo!( The English pronunciation of the Italian word, “Cazzo”, loosely translated: “WTS!” or it’s American cousin:”WTF!”)

There, in it’s infinite glory and beauty, lie the inner sleeve of the lock!

“Ok, Lucie. You haven’t got time to fiddle with this darn lock any more today! It locks! It works and we’re good to go!

It’s actually working better now . Who the heck am I to mess with “the lock Gods”???

No exercising today, woman! Buddha belly or no Buddha belly!

Yep, Peoples, that’s life today in my shoes! Hope yours goes better!

Lucie and the Door Lock (Part 1)

All righty!

My Dr. a few months ago recommended (HIGHLY recommended!) that I lose 6 pounds and get “moving”!

My menopausal midriff was getting out of control and was not exactly doing wonders for my self-esteem these days,either! (Case in point: While going through Oakland Airport’s security scanner recently to go to my brother’s wedding, I noticed one of the TSA people snickering at me while going through their body scanner when I raised my hands over my head.)

I just figured she found my larger than life personality rather humorous and didn’t think much about it until I noticed a “similar smile” from a gentleman sitting at the gate. I was pointing out something to one of my traveling partners and happened to be raising my hands above my head (thereby lifting my shirt over my little Buddha belly), when I noticed the same little grin on this older gentleman waiting for his flight out to who knows where.

And then it dawns on me: WTS!!! Have I got drool on me (like I did at Costco from one of my previous stories that I told you about on FACEBOOK?) or is there something about me that just makes people smile?!

Hm..well, right about the time I noticed this gentlemen’s smile on his face, my buddy, Stravid, discreetly approaches me and whispers, “Your belly’s sticking out when you lift your arms. You might wanna cover it with your outside shirt!”

Oh swell! Just when I was thinking I’m little “Miss Merry Sunshine”, my good buddy burst my little bubble!

OK, I’m definitely working on this when I get home. (Don’t wanna start working on it, too soon; have a wedding to go to, don’t ‘cha know, and they’ll be some good eats at the wedding and my family’s home. I don’t wanna be acting too soon on this situation!)

You all know (or at least those of you who followed me on FACEBOOK know!) what happened to me when I attempted to start Yoga a while ago! Went to do the “downward dog” (or whatever the hell it’s called!) and ended up in a pretzel position that sent my back into spasms for a week and a half!

“Go to gentle yoga”, my friends and family members all encourage me – won’t be as hard on my body.

Un-hun.

It was gentle yoga, peoples!!! Remember?! I went to the local Senoir Center and took “Gentle Yoga for Beginners” with Miss Betsy, herself!!!

Dam!

Thought I was gonna end up in traction for a month (but that’s another story for another day!)

So now, where was I? Oh that’s right! Trying to get out and exercise, so I could start trimming that Buddha look.

OK, Peoples! Catch ya next week for Part 2! Trust me, Life in my shoes is NEVER boring!!! Go out and have a good one today and remember: Be kind to one another! Who knows how life is in their shoes!!!