Month: September 2014

Parking Issues at Lucie’s House

Ok, so the Princess and I have been having parking issues in front of our house for the past year or so now with people parking at an angle in front and in back of our vehicle that is  parallel parked in front of our home which has created a situation that (a.) makes it virtually impossible for us to move our car without playing demolition derby with each of the cars parked in front of us and in back of us and (b.) makes it a safety issue for us trying to back out our other car from the mouth of our driveway.

So, being the reasonably intelligent person that I am, I research parking codes on our street and discover that it’s not legal to park at an angle. Great, I think to myself, problem solved!

OK. Call the Sheriff’s Dept. Let’s get their assistance in enforcing this code and solve my little problem here today.

I call the Sheriff’s Dept. and Deputy Dawg and his side kick, Tonto (or whatever the heck his name is!) comes out here, looks at the situation and says, “Hm, looks like you’ve got a problem here. What would you like me to do?”

“Well, Deputy, I’m not sure, what do you advise?”, I query.

“As you can see”, I continue, “it’s almost impossible for me to get my van out of my parking spot and it’s a major safety issue when my partner backs her car out of the driveway every morning because she can’t see with the vehicles parked that way. What do you think we should do?”

Ok, so Tonto and Deputy Dawg talk it over a few minutes and declare, “You’d best be calling Elana with the county parking dept.  She knows the parking laws and she’ll let you know what the parking codes are. You call Elana and then let us know. Have a nice day.”

Yep. That’s the solution, right?

OK, so I put a call into Elana last Thursday. She returns my call on Tuesday morning while I’m on my way out the door to get my hair cut and  informs me that she’s “looking at my parking situation using Google right now and she advises that we park our vehicles perpendicular as well, put a big ass-ugly “DO NOT PARK SIGN” on the front of our gate (so people won’t TOTALLY block us from our driveway) and/or get rid of the gravel that we have out in front to stop encouraging people from dumping their unwanted trash there and have it  black- topped or better yet, paved.”

“Yes, it’s not our property”, she curtly informs me, “but maybe if people see it paved, it wll deter them from parking in front of your house and just may cut down on the unwanted trash.”

“And by the way, she continues, it doesn’t look like there’s any trash in the area at all right now.”

Now for those of  you who know me, you know I’m out doors on a regular basis doing landscaping and general cleaning and picking up to try to stay one step ahead of the neighborhood slobs, so when she says this to me, my first thought was, “OMG!!! I think I’d like to throttle this woman. Is she totally clueless or just a little slow to catch on?!” But instead, I calmly say, “Thank you, Elana, for your compliment. I’m out there on a regular basis picking up people’s trash, cigarette butts, and throw aways from the roach coach (who, by the way, has found our “parking accessability” quite accomodating to his thriving business!”)

Yes, people, don’t get me started on the roach coach situation. I’ve temporarily solved that little problem by “paying them off” with home grown tomatos, but I digress.

“Well, she continues, “the more I think about this, the more I think that having that area black-topped or paved would definitely be the way to go! That way, it  just might  deter people from parking there and it would definitely be easier for you to pick up and sweep.”

Really?! Seriously?! Did she just recommend that I spend our limited funds paving “the county’s property“, so I could park more cars in front of our house (by parking at an angle), so we could have a virtual parking lot out there (thereby creating more trash); so I could “sweep and clean up easier“?!!!

OMG! Shoot me, Lord! Just shoot me and take me outta my misery!

“OK, Elana, I’m running late to my hair appointment this morning. Thanks alot for calling me back!”

Yep. I’m so glad that I’m a tax paying resident in this county. Just warms my heart to know that the county has people like Elana, Deputy Dawg and Tonto on the pay roll  solving our various “county issues” on a daily basis!!

Okey-Dokey, Peoples! Go out there and have a great day! Ya gotta have a sense of humor, when you’re living life in my shoes!

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Manicures, Pedicures and Gifts from the Heart

Yep.

For years now, I’ve been one of these woman who, despite the fact that I can admire (and even envy) women with acrylic nails, I’ve never been able to partake of such luxuries because of some serious sensitivities to all the chemicals in the polish, etc.

And as the main “landscaper and gardener” in the household, it never made much sense to me to spend all this money on a “so-called luxury” that cut off my breathing and sent me into fits of uncontrollable coughing when I’m only going to ruin them with one morning of serious gardening.

So, you can imagine my total “surprise” when the Princess decided to “treat me” to a manicure and pedicure at the local salon where we live!

“You so deserve this,” she says to me while I’m opening up the cute little bag that she put the gift card in.

“You work so hard and deserve a little pampering once in awhile, Sweetie,” she continues.

So, I pull out the little card that says “Belle’s Beauty Salon” and I’m thinking to myself, “I sure as sh-t hope this isn’t what I think it is! She knows (on the one or two occasions a year that I do my nails for weddings or special occasions) that I have to take myself outside (no matter what the temperature is!), make sure there are tornado-like winds (so the fumes are “vented” for me!) and basically wear a gas mask, so I don’t keel over from the polish fumes!

Oh dear, yep. As sure as the sun rises and sets every day, this gift card is for a manicure, pedicure and tip! (Isn’t my Princess sweet? She can’t remember that her significant other has a major health issue with a variety of chemicals, but she remembers to tip the beautician. That’s nice. She’s got me covered in case I croak before I leave the place!)

OMG! Seriously? Really?

Did my significant other of 16 years just give me a gift for something that could significantly cut off my breathing and give me a serious rash?! Say it ain’t so, Lord! Please say it ain’t so!

Yep. Unfortunately, it is….

OK, now how do I thank her sweet little self while at the same time gently let her know, “Sweetie, remember me? You’re always reminding me how delicate I am???? And sitting in a nail salon for over an hour could do some major damage to my immune system and maybe end life for me, as I know it.

You know what?! My life isn’t worth it!

“Thanks, Sweetie,” I say and give her a big hug! “You’re the best!”

“I thought you’d like it”, she says while grinning from ear to ear.

“You’re always admiring everyone else’s nails and my niece, Annie, highly recommended this salon. Make sure you ask for Ellen. She’s the owner and the one my niece said is really good!” (Hmm…I’m thinking to myself, I sure as heck hope Ellen’s good at mouth to mouth, because that’s what I’ll be needing if I’m there the full hour!!)

“Enjoy it. You sooo deserve it!”

Yep. Gotta love that woman! She’s a keeper!

You certainly have to agree: Life in my shoes is never dull! Have a good day, Peoples!

Rusty Irons and Toilet Paper Dispensers!

Ok, so I wake up the other morning and catch the Princess walking out of the ironing room muttering something under her breath about “the piece of crap iron that we have and how I’d best put a new iron on my list of things to buy” etc. etc. because “the stupid thing only works half the time and the other half of the time the dam thing doesn’t have steam in it and doesn’t iron her work clothes nicely!”

Now I find this quite humorous, don’t ‘cha know, because I’m the one that is constantly finding the iron void of water when I go to use it to do my ironing and am always wondering why SHE never fills it with water!

So I ask her highness, “Have you been adding any water to the thing?” (Now remember, people, this is the same woman that called me from work a few weeks ago to complain about her piece of crap iPhone not working right after dropping it a bazillion times!)

Her response: “Why would I do that?! The iron will end up getting rusty and ruin my good work clothes!”

Rusty?! Rusty?! Seriously?! Did she just say that???? Does she think the steam that she’s been getting magically appears most every morning because of some little “steam genie in the iron”????!

I’m just about ready to ask her this question and it dawns on me while I’m looking at her “punk rocker hairdo” (the results of having one hulluva night sleeping with a cat that had a major attitude!): I think I’d best be leaving that question for another day, or at least until after she has a few cups of coffee and acquires a better hair-do.

“OK”, I tell myself,” let me go hit the john this morning before I tackle any major projects. I always think better when my bladder is empty and I don’t wanna be “filling anything (like an iron) until I’ve done just that.” (Yeah, I know, people, those of you under 40 can’t relate, but trust me, someday you WILL and then you’ll say to yourself, “Yep, by golly, Lucie was sure right about thinking clearer when your bladder is empty!”)

So I’m sitting there on the toilet and I noticed that there’s no toilet paper on the rung.

“Oh for God sakes,” I say out loud, “am I the only one that changes the toilet paper in this (blankety blank) house?!”

Really. I swear to God every place I go, I end up replacing the toilet paper! And don’t get me started on “commercial toilet dispensers” at restaurants and theaters because you need a manual just to get a few tissues outta the blasted thing and a trip to the Home Depot to buy a crow bar to open it so the second roll “drops down”! (Seriously, is there anyone out there that has had the second role “drop” without having to use a crow bar? Have you?! Please, I’d like to meet you. I think there should be some kind of special award made just for you for this special occasion.)

And people, people, people, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE: There’s a RIGHT way and WRONG way to have the toilet paper unroll! Don’t make me take it off the rung and replace it just because YOU didn’t have the foresight to put it on “the right way” to begin with!

“Geesch!”

I’m tellin’ ya: “Life in MY shoes sure is fun!”

“Have a great week, Peoples!”

Hullo Blog World! My Name’s Lucie

Okey-Dokey Peoples, I haven’t the foggiest idea what in Sam’s creation I’m doing, but I need a test “post” (or is it “page”?), so here goes….Hopefully, someone else besides ME will be able to read this and tell me if I’m “on” or not?!!! Hm….so, I’m going to press “publish” and I’m hoping this gets “published on my blog” and doesn’t end up in one of those “clouds” people are talking about, lately!

Uh, ok, is anyone out there????????? Hullo…..You there?

Holy free holy, I’m actually on!!! Aren’t I just a techno-wizard?!!

Well, anyways, I’m Lucie and I’m a New York transplant who lives in sunny (drought stricken) Ca with my wacky (but highly lovable) life partner and two messed up cats! My humor is New York born with an Italian twist and for those of you who liked Ms. (Erma) Bombeck and remember her (may she rest in peace!), you MAY just find some similarities in my humor! (Not that I’m as TALENTED as SHE, but I think you’ll find I have a very similar “view of the world”.)

I hope you find my weekly postings humorous and encourage you to comment (if you’re so moved to do so!)