I’ll be Ready, too…

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Numb.

There is no feeling.

No thoughts.

I’m autistic.

Totally overwhelmed.

I wake up waiting.

Go through the day.

I eat, sleep, take care of my responsibilities.

My heart is in my throat.

I have everything to say, but am wordless.

I laugh.

I cry.

I wash clothes and sweep the floor.

Exercise. Shop. Clean the garage.

I call Mom.

“How are you and the Princess doing?” she asks.

“Good,” I answer.

“How are you, Mom?”

“Lazy,” she answers. “Very lazy.”

“Rest, Mom,” I tell her.

“Save your strength and rest.”

“Yes,” she answers. “Love you, sweetheart. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Mom.”

“Bye.”

Her time in this life is short. She’s ready. Her body is spent. She does everything to keep her mind sharp; does everything to show her children and loved ones that’s she’s still present and still Mom.

But the cancer and leukemia are slowly robbing her of her self-hood; of  her being.

And I am not ready to say good-bye; not ready to fly solo, but solo I must try.

When you’re ready, Mom, I’ll be ready, too.

Promise Mom.

I’ll be ready, too…

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Rat Karma

The Princess is outside walking around with the exterminator.

Yep.

Unfortunately, our local raccoons have no manners and are messy eaters with the birdseed they steal from the Princess’s bird feeder.

 
Did you know that rats like leftover birdseed?

 
Un-huh.

 
They do.

 

And our cat, Boo, has been too occupied with the deer to mess with the baby rats, so we’ve got furry, 4-legged, low-riders scooting around the perimeter of our home and having a grand ole time.

 

Yuck!

 

I hate rats. The Princess, on the other hand, loves and respects all life forms, including RATS.

 

She spent the better part of an afternoon researching and calling various exterminator companies.

 

I can assure you, the pest control company that she eventually hired was thoroughly vetted to make sure the little buggers wouldn’t suffer any undue stress when they went to rat heaven. They simply eat a special food that they leave for them, and then drift off to sleep, like Snow White.

 

“Yeah,” he reassured her. “They may get a tad thirsty before they doze off, but that’s about it. It’s pretty painless.”

 

“Oh,” he continued. And you might have a peculiar odor coming from the house until we come and pick up their remains, but not to worry, it’s just their decaying bodies.”

 

Swell.

 

I’m so glad she paid a professional to do this. I was prepared to buy some traps, bait the traps and nail the little buggers. But the Princess, being the Princess, didn’t wanna hurt the little sweethearts.

 

“After all,” she informed me. “You could end up with bad karma if you kill them inhumanely.”

 

Un-huh.

 

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t looking forward to killing them myself, but sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. And I certainly was not going to cohabitate with any 4 –legged creatures of the rat family. If you recall, the Princess and I played a version of “Pop goes the weasel” with a rat when we lived in CA. I did not and do not want to do this, again!

 

No siree, Bob.

 

I’m glad someone else’s karma is gonna be negatively tweaked, though. I can now go to sleep knowing that my “rat karma” is in tact.

 

And you, dear People, have a great day and I’ll catch ya next time, looking at life from my shoes.

 

 

Praying to go Home

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I find myself at a loss for words these days. My heart is heavy and my thoughts are cloudy.

I have never been keen on saying “good-bye” to people, and if the truth be told, I’m the relative that always tears up at the airport and has to blow my nose a few hundred times before sending people on their way.

What can I say? Underneath my wry humor and at times quick wit, I’m an emotional lightweight; especially when it comes to my mom and people that I love.

Mom had to leave her apartment 3 weeks ago and was placed in assisted living. My siblings and I felt she needed more assistance and mom agreed to the move. She was struggling with trying to do simple, daily chores and could barely make an egg for herself to eat for breakfast. She knew that she couldn’t live independently any more and WE knew that she couldn’t, either. All the aides and help from family and friends could not maintain her and keep her safe; no matter how hard everyone tried.

My oldest brother contacted me this week. Mom is in the hospital. Didn’t really surprise me because I talk to her every day and have been keenly aware of the fact that she was not feeling well for some time now.

He called me for a second time this week. I knew when I saw his number on my cell phone that it wasn’t going to be a social call. Everyone that knows my brother knows that he’s not one for idle chatter.

So when I got the second call from him in as many days this week, I knew the call wasn’t going to be fun.

“Hey,” he started. “How ya doing this morning?”

“Swell,” I answered. “What’s up?”

“I just got off the phone with Carmie (our cousin).”

“Mom’s not doing so great. Doctor is referring her to rehab and then recommended that she go to the nursing home, after rehab,” he informed me.

“Hm,” I mumbled. “Doesn’t sound too encouraging.”

“Well,” he answered. “I called Uncle Toney. He’ll go up and see her and said he’d give me a ring later.”

“Yeah,” I responded. “That sounds like a plan. Call me, if you hear anything.”

My mom is over 3,000 miles away, struggling to survive, while at the same time praying to go home.

And I, her oldest daughter, idly sit with heavy heart and cloudy thoughts.

My mom wants us to play and to live life fully and doesn’t want us to feel sad. When she passes, she wants us to go to lunch and laugh with each other and remind each other of past fun times.

And I so want to honor my mother’s last wishes. I so want to be the dutiful daughter.

But it’s hard to laugh and go on living, when my mom is over 3,000 miles away and struggling to survive.

And at the same time praying to go home.

But I know my mom and I know how much she loves to laugh. So I need to hitch up my britches, and I need to go on, because that’s what Momma B. wants.

And what Momma wants, Momma gets.

It’s time to get up.

And it’s time to live.

Have a good day, People. And I’ll catch ya the next time, looking at life from my shoes.

 

Mom Goes to Camp

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Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself to get through the emotional roller coaster of having her placed in assisted living – she’s going to an old folks camp to be with her friends.

 

So, why do I feel so sad?

 

I always thought that she’d die in her current abode with a heart attack – never imagined that she’d end up with stage 4 breast cancer and congestive heart failure – never in a million years.

 

She keeps going, my mom. She keeps putting on her lipstick and keeps ironing her clothes and combing her hair.

 

And every day she tells me, “I just don’t understand why I’m so darned lazy. I’m tired just getting out of bed in the morning. Doesn’t make any sense to me. I gotta keep eating to keep up my strength, but I’m too lazy to cook any more; just too darned lazy to cook any more,” she continues before telling me that she can’t talk any more.

 

My 89-year-old mom is going to an assisted living home and I feel guilty and sad and every emotion in between.

 

“She’ll be safe there and have activities and have friends to talk to when she’s lonely.”

 

Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself to ease my guilt.

 

“Change is good,” friends and family tell me.

 

“But Mom and I aren’t too keen on change,” I respond.

“She’ll be fine,” they insist. “She needs the extra help and she’s ready to go.”

 

And they’re right: she does need the help and she is ready to go.

 

So, I’ll put on my big girl pants and be grateful that she has loving, caring family members and friends to look after her and let her go off to the old folks camp and pray that God and the angels continue to watch over her.

 

In the meantime, I’m grateful for the continued thoughts and prayers as we stumble along living life in our shoes.

Raccoons, Roses, and Plaid Flannel Jackets

20180430_134320-1.jpgCountry life is grand.

No more parking issues.

No more long commutes. No more dealing with loud, obnoxious noises and too many people.

On the other hand, I no longer have rose bushes or tomato plants.

Deer love roses and tomatoes.

And the bird feeders of my former life are a wistful memory of times past.

Raccoons love birdseed.

Did you know that deer like roses and raccoons eat birdseed?

OK, so the two of us aren’t so bright when it comes to wildlife.

The Princess bought a plaid, flannel jacket this year at the local Costco store.

She loves it.

Wants to wear it every time we go out in public. You’d think that a person who wears a plaid flannel jacket out in public would know a few things about country living and the local critters.

Nope.

Every day she refills the bird feeder.

Every night the raccoons have a feast on her birdseed.

She decided that the bird feeder needed to be more permanently attached to our eaves.

I was impressed with her workmanship.

So were the raccoons.

One of them now goes to the top of our house roof, hangs off the side of the rain gutters and swings the bird feeder back and forth; knocking the seeds to his hungry buddies anxiously waiting below.

We watched this little sideshow through our office window, as it quietly unfolded in our front yard one night.

The Princess is currently working on another means to feed the birds and fool the raccoons.

I’m headed for the local mom and pop store this week for some silk flowers and fresh tomatoes.

Life is grand here on the Olympic Peninsula of western WA.

Take care and I’ll catch ya the next time, looking at life from my shoes.

 

 

 

 

 

Forever Fifty

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Aunt Molly

In October of last year, my mom’s 101-year-old aunt passed away.

I was saddened when I first heard the news because dear old Aunt Molly was very loved and quite the character to all who knew her. But she lived a good life – a full life – blessed with a loving daughter, grandchildren and great grandchildren; and a handful of nieces and nephews, and grandnieces and grandnephews, who just adored her.

Aunt Molly wasn’t a rich woman, financially speaking, but she had a heart of gold and would give you the shirt off her back, if you needed it.

As a child, I keenly remembered wanting a new outfit for my Ken doll and never had any money to buy it. We didn’t have allowances in those days. Mom barely had enough money to feed us, let alone buy a silly suit for my Ken doll. So Aunt Molly, discovering my little wish one day, decided to play a female version of Robin Hood and came over the house with a jar full of change that she had collected from the under sides of her couch cushions.

“Lucie,” she said, while I was sprawled out on the living room carpet playing with my Barbie and Ken.

“Do me a favor, honey, and count the money in my change jar. Let’s see if there’s enough money for this new suit for Ken,” she smiled while winking at my mother.

I knew the exact cost and counted each coin with anticipated excitement.

“Oh my God,” I exclaimed to my aunt as I finished the tally. “There’s enough money for my Ken outfit and money to spare!”

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“Are you giving all this money to ME, Aunt Molly? Or do you want some of it back?” I selfishly continued, all the while praying that she didn’t want the inconvenience of lugging any of the left over change back to her house.

“No, Lucie,” she responded. “It’s all yours, Honey.”

Yep.

That was my Aunt Molly.

And when it came to eating, she was always on some special “See food diet”; whatever food she SAW, she inevitably ate. But according to her doctors, she wasn’t supposed to be eating it.

You could never set out a plate for her to join you in your meal because “the doctor said” she could never eat whatever it was you were making.

So, you’d reluctantly set the table (minus a dish for Aunt Molly) and start serving the food.

“Ya know, “ she began. “The doctor said that I shouldn’t be eating too much pasta any more, but what do they know? Cazzo! A little pasta ain’t gonna kill me, for God’s sake. Gimme a little taste of that, ok?”

“OK,” one of us would respond. “But Aunt Molly why don’t you let me get you a plate and some silver ware and I’ll make you a small plate of food?” the individual would kindly suggest.

“No, no, sweetheart. I can’t have this any more. Just get me a spoon and I’ll just take a little taste, OK?” she responded.

Yep.

So, a spoon would be gotten and Aunt Molly would commence to tasting.

Un-hun.

A few tastes and an empty plate later, Aunt Molly would be gently poking me in my ribs and asking, “Lucie, maybe you want some meatballs with your pasta? The meatballs look kinda good. The doctor says I shouldn’t be eating any meatballs, but what do doctors know? Cazzo! A taste of meatballs ain’t gonna kill you, for God’s sakes! Maybe get us some meatballs, honey, ok?” she implored, all the while continuing her part of the dinner conversation.

“Ok, Aunt Molly,” I responded. “But seriously, why don’t you let me get you your own plate and I’ll give you a smidgen of pasta and half a meatball?”

“Cazzo!” she answered, “Didn’t your mother tell you? I can’t eat this stuff.”

“Yeah, we know, Aunt Molly,” I started to say, and then everyone at the table chimed in, “’Cuz the doctor said you shouldn’t be eating it. Right, Aunt Molly?” we teasingly asked her.

“Cazzo!” she again responded, using her favorite Italian swear word.

“Darn doctors don’t know anything these days,” she continued while scooping up another spoonful of pasta.

“What ‘cha gonna do?” she lovingly added while nodding her head and smiling.

“What ‘cha gonna do?”

My mom’s aunt was a kind, loving, beautiful little character, who I’ll always remember chatting and nibbling at our kitchen table. She had a memory that never failed to amaze me and a heart made outta gold. She was one of my first advocates and heroines and had a story and a smile to share with anyone and everyone that’d give her just a “taste of time”.

R.I.P., Aunt Molly. You’ll forever be 50 to me, dear heart.

You’ll forever be 50 to me

Have a great day, People, and I’ll catch ya the next time, looking at life from my shoes.

 

God’s Humor

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The Princess and I, like thousands of others this winter season, are experiencing the dregs of the cold and flu season. Both of us, unfortunately, had to be placed on antibiotics.

And lucky us – we were on the same medication – a medication that had a number of nasty side effects affecting our stomachs.

At 3 o’clock in the morning that Saturday, after starting my first dosage of the drug and experiencing terrible abdominal cramps on my left side, Doogie Houser here diagnosed appendicitis and figured I’d soon be on a surgery gurney having my worthless appendix out. (It hadn’t dawned on me, yet, that one of the side effects of the medication was abdominal discomfort and diarrhea.)

It also never occurred to me in the two hours while I was waiting to be seen at urgent care earlier that day, that my partner’s never-ending visits to the ladies room, after starting her antibiotic the night before, should be of any concern to me. I was so congested and feverish that I could barely see straight, let alone think straight.

By 3:30 that morning, when I decided that I couldn’t get any rest from the constant coughing, sneezing, and stomach cramps, I figured maybe throwing together a pot of homemade soup would be just the thing for what ailed us.

Chicken soup seemed too arduous a job for me at that hour, so I brilliantly determined that Mom’s pasta fazool (a simple Italian soup of pasta and beans) would be just the thing for two, sick old women experiencing abdominal cramps and diligently set about to make it.

Yep, bean soup.

Genius here figured pasta and beans would be the perfect antidote for two old women experiencing a cacophony of delightful belly music.

Yes-siree-Bob!

God has a strange sense of humor, People. And he often uses me as his conduit for laughter.

Take care, Guys, and I’ll catch ya the next time, looking at life from my shoes.