Cazzo! Parking Issues (Part 2)


If you recall, my Dr. told me a while ago that I’d best be losing some weight.

The menopausal midriff that I’ve recently acquired ain’t just a thyroid problem, and I’d best be cutting back on my bread and pasta! (Yeah, right?! Like this is so easy for an Italian who was raised with Jewish breads and pastries from our local bakery! You might as well tell me to cut off my right arm!!)

So, being the ever compliant patient that I am, I made myself some bacon, eggs, home fries and a toasted, buttered N.Y. bagel (no salt, of course! I’m trying to eat healthy, don’t ‘cha know?!)

“Hm, maybe I should walk over to our pet sitter’s house and pick up the key we lent her. She lives a couple of blocks up the road, so that should burn off my breakfast calories, fer sure!”

I get there in no time flat and think to myself, “Dam Girl! You should be proud of yourself! I think you’ve even worked up a little mist on your upper lip! The Doctor’s gonna be totally proud of you!”

Capricia (“Cap”) meets me out in front of her house and we start talking about my little parking issue from the day before.

I’m still feeling “miffed”, over the county’s response to our parking and trash issues in front of our house, and then she tells me about  her issues in front of her house! (“OMG! I thought we had issues! Ours are nothing compared to hers!”)

She lives by our local high school, so I’m “assuming” her problems are with some of the know-it-all teenagers who walk by her house.

“Ya wanna talk about parking issues?”

“I’ll tell you about parking issues,” she enthusiastically gestures with her hands waving up and down!

“I’ve got an ice cream truck owner, named Jorge, who parks in front of our home at the end of every school day – Monday thru Friday!”

“And every day there’s a bunch of over-zealous, over-sexed teenagers waiting for ice cream precariously balanced on the head of my LAWN SPRINKLERS!!!”

“It’s not bad enough that Big Foot and his lady friends line up and stomp on our sprinkler heads,”  she continues, “but they gotta tongue wrestle while they’re waiting in line!!”

Cap animatedly continues,”Cazzo! Mi fa cagare!” Loosely translated: WTS!!! It makes me crazy (or poop, depending on what section of Italy you say it in!!)!

Hm…did I tell you that Capricia’s an Italian, too? (Just in case you didn’t figure that out already?)Talks fast and with her hands, so I totally “get her“!

While she’s saying this, I’m eye-balling the front of her home and it’s pristine beautiful – beautifully manicured flower bed, a perfectly cut lawn, newly painted trim on the house, etc. A house right out of  Better Homes and Garden.

Cap continues waving her hands and shouting, “And if THAT’S not enough of a hassle, I open up my garage door one day and find a totally strange man sitting in his truck in my driveway in front of my garage doors!”

“I go up to him, knock on his door window and yell, “Scuse me! Scuse me!! Do I know you?!”

“No,” he calmly responds, “I’m waiting for my kid to get out of school and I didn’t think you’d mind.”

By this time, I’m bent over with laughter because I can’t believe the audacity of this jerk and Cap continues.

“Yes, she yells at the guy, “I do mind, so will you get your sorry butt outta my driveway and let me outta my garage?!!!”

“And by the way, my husband’s a retired Police Captain,” she adds.

Now did I tell you about Cap’s husband, Otto? He doesn’t get as animated over things like this, because he’s “been there and done that.” He has seen so much crap in his life as a Police Officer that nothing fazes him…makes Cap crazy as a shithouse rat! (But that’s a story for another day!)

Cap, however, believes you gotta give the”ole Italian stink eye” to get people’s attention!

I’m thinking maybe the “ole Italian stink eye” might just work with our parking issues! What da ya think, people??

Yep! Life in Lucie’s shoes sure is a hoot! Have a great day, People! And remember: Take a moment or two each day to share a laugh with a friend or relative. You never know whose day you’ll brighten by that simple little act of kindness.

Wait….what the heck’s on my lip?! Mist?!!

WTS?!! This isn’t mist! My nose is running!

The entire time I was talking to Cap I had snot on my lip!

Oh for Pete’s sake! In the period of a couple of months, the public has seen me with drool, lotion goobers, and now SNOT!!

Snot, people! Snot! (A.K.A. Nasal drippin’ goop!!!)


I think I’ve hit my all time low…Geesch!

Thank you, Lord!  I appreciate your sense of humor! Just in case my little Buddha belly and Me were feeling “too uppity”, I can always depend on you to keep me humble!

Life in my shoes can certainly keep me grounded at times, People!

Catch ya next week for another adventure looking at life from “my shoes”!


Parking Issues at Lucie’s House

Ok, so the Princess and I have been having parking issues in front of our house for the past year or so now with people parking at an angle in front and in back of our vehicle that is  parallel parked in front of our home which has created a situation that (a.) makes it virtually impossible for us to move our car without playing demolition derby with each of the cars parked in front of us and in back of us and (b.) makes it a safety issue for us trying to back out our other car from the mouth of our driveway.

So, being the reasonably intelligent person that I am, I research parking codes on our street and discover that it’s not legal to park at an angle. Great, I think to myself, problem solved!

OK. Call the Sheriff’s Dept. Let’s get their assistance in enforcing this code and solve my little problem here today.

I call the Sheriff’s Dept. and Deputy Dawg and his side kick, Tonto (or whatever the heck his name is!) comes out here, looks at the situation and says, “Hm, looks like you’ve got a problem here. What would you like me to do?”

“Well, Deputy, I’m not sure, what do you advise?”, I query.

“As you can see”, I continue, “it’s almost impossible for me to get my van out of my parking spot and it’s a major safety issue when my partner backs her car out of the driveway every morning because she can’t see with the vehicles parked that way. What do you think we should do?”

Ok, so Tonto and Deputy Dawg talk it over a few minutes and declare, “You’d best be calling Elana with the county parking dept.  She knows the parking laws and she’ll let you know what the parking codes are. You call Elana and then let us know. Have a nice day.”

Yep. That’s the solution, right?

OK, so I put a call into Elana last Thursday. She returns my call on Tuesday morning while I’m on my way out the door to get my hair cut and  informs me that she’s “looking at my parking situation using Google right now and she advises that we park our vehicles perpendicular as well, put a big ass-ugly “DO NOT PARK SIGN” on the front of our gate (so people won’t TOTALLY block us from our driveway) and/or get rid of the gravel that we have out in front to stop encouraging people from dumping their unwanted trash there and have it  black- topped or better yet, paved.”

“Yes, it’s not our property”, she curtly informs me, “but maybe if people see it paved, it wll deter them from parking in front of your house and just may cut down on the unwanted trash.”

“And by the way, she continues, it doesn’t look like there’s any trash in the area at all right now.”

Now for those of  you who know me, you know I’m out doors on a regular basis doing landscaping and general cleaning and picking up to try to stay one step ahead of the neighborhood slobs, so when she says this to me, my first thought was, “OMG!!! I think I’d like to throttle this woman. Is she totally clueless or just a little slow to catch on?!” But instead, I calmly say, “Thank you, Elana, for your compliment. I’m out there on a regular basis picking up people’s trash, cigarette butts, and throw aways from the roach coach (who, by the way, has found our “parking accessability” quite accomodating to his thriving business!”)

Yes, people, don’t get me started on the roach coach situation. I’ve temporarily solved that little problem by “paying them off” with home grown tomatos, but I digress.

“Well, she continues, “the more I think about this, the more I think that having that area black-topped or paved would definitely be the way to go! That way, it  just might  deter people from parking there and it would definitely be easier for you to pick up and sweep.”

Really?! Seriously?! Did she just recommend that I spend our limited funds paving “the county’s property“, so I could park more cars in front of our house (by parking at an angle), so we could have a virtual parking lot out there (thereby creating more trash); so I could “sweep and clean up easier“?!!!

OMG! Shoot me, Lord! Just shoot me and take me outta my misery!

“OK, Elana, I’m running late to my hair appointment this morning. Thanks alot for calling me back!”

Yep. I’m so glad that I’m a tax paying resident in this county. Just warms my heart to know that the county has people like Elana, Deputy Dawg and Tonto on the pay roll  solving our various “county issues” on a daily basis!!

Okey-Dokey, Peoples! Go out there and have a great day! Ya gotta have a sense of humor, when you’re living life in my shoes!