Cazzo! You Kids Don’t Know Sh-T!

I called my Mom yesterday.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

I’m blessed to still have the little, gray-haired, Italian rompicoglioni (pain in the ass) in my life, so I make sure to connect with her every day.

Our conversations aren’t much to “write home about”, as my Uncle Tony likes to say, but conversations with my Mom are never ordinary, and this one yesterday, left me with a silly grin on my face.

The following is an excerpt from said conversation:

Mom: “Aunt Carmie and I went to J.C. Penny’s on Saturday to look for a wedding dress for Anne Marie’s wedding in July.”

Me: “That’s nice. Did you have fun looking around and shopping?”

Mom: “Was nice to get out and about, but couldn’t walk around and shop when we got there. Too damn tired to walk. I think I’ve got diabetes and a vitamin deficiency. I’m so LAZY these days. I don’t know what the hell’s the matter with me. I don’t ever remember being so lazy years ago!”

Me: “You’re older, Ma, and have major heart problems. Maybe you should talk to your doctor? It might be your heart.”

Mom: “Ma, che sei grullo!” (How stupid are you!) “You kids go to the doctors too much these days! They don’t know anything. They take your money, write a prescription and send you out the door in 5 minutes flat! Why go to the doctors?”

Me: “No particular reason. Just a thought.”

Mom: (Not wanting to continue the “doctor conversation”.) “I bought some strawberries this weekend.”

ME: “Uh-Hun. I thought you didn’t like strawberries, Ma?”

Mom: “I hate strawberries! Loaded them with sugar, but they still tasted nasty, so I added some ice cream and milk and made myself a smoothie. I forced myself to drink half of it. I still have the other half to drink. I don’t know how you kids drink this sh-t. It’s nasty.”

Me: “Un-Hun.”

Me: ”Ma, if you hate strawberries, why are you eating them and making smoothies with them?”

Mom: ” They’ve got those, ‘come si dice?’ (how do you say?) anti….(whatever the hell they’re called) in them and they’re supposed to be good for you!”

Me: “Antioxidants. I think you mean antioxidants, Mom.”

Mom: “Si. Antioxidants. That stuff that everybody’s eating to be healthy.”

Me: “Ma, you added white sugar, ice cream, and whole milk to it to tolerate it. Don’t ‘cha think you kinda nullified the healthy properties of the strawberries when you did that?”

Mom: “Basta!” (That’s enough!) Ma, che sei grullo!” (Are you crazy?)

Me: “Uh-Hun.”

Mom: “Cazzo! I gotta hang up. You kids drive-a me pazzo!” (crazy!)

Me: “Bye, Ma. Love you.”

Have a good one, today, People, and remember: “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. NO MAN DOES. That’s his.” Oscar Wilde.

Catch ya next time, looking at life from my shoes.

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