I find myself at a loss for words these days. My heart is heavy and my thoughts are cloudy.
I have never been keen on saying “good-bye” to people, and if the truth be told, I’m the relative that always tears up at the airport and has to blow my nose a few hundred times before sending people on their way.
What can I say? Underneath my wry humor and at times quick wit, I’m an emotional lightweight; especially when it comes to my mom and people that I love.
Mom had to leave her apartment 3 weeks ago and was placed in assisted living. My siblings and I felt she needed more assistance and mom agreed to the move. She was struggling with trying to do simple, daily chores and could barely make an egg for herself to eat for breakfast. She knew that she couldn’t live independently any more and WE knew that she couldn’t, either. All the aides and help from family and friends could not maintain her and keep her safe; no matter how hard everyone tried.
My oldest brother contacted me this week. Mom is in the hospital. Didn’t really surprise me because I talk to her every day and have been keenly aware of the fact that she was not feeling well for some time now.
He called me for a second time this week. I knew when I saw his number on my cell phone that it wasn’t going to be a social call. Everyone that knows my brother knows that he’s not one for idle chatter.
So when I got the second call from him in as many days this week, I knew the call wasn’t going to be fun.
“Hey,” he started. “How ya doing this morning?”
“Swell,” I answered. “What’s up?”
“I just got off the phone with Carmie (our cousin).”
“Mom’s not doing so great. Doctor is referring her to rehab and then recommended that she go to the nursing home, after rehab,” he informed me.
“Hm,” I mumbled. “Doesn’t sound too encouraging.”
“Well,” he answered. “I called Uncle Toney. He’ll go up and see her and said he’d give me a ring later.”
“Yeah,” I responded. “That sounds like a plan. Call me, if you hear anything.”
My mom is over 3,000 miles away, struggling to survive, while at the same time praying to go home.
And I, her oldest daughter, idly sit with heavy heart and cloudy thoughts.
My mom wants us to play and to live life fully and doesn’t want us to feel sad. When she passes, she wants us to go to lunch and laugh with each other and remind each other of past fun times.
And I so want to honor my mother’s last wishes. I so want to be the dutiful daughter.
But it’s hard to laugh and go on living, when my mom is over 3,000 miles away and struggling to survive.
And at the same time praying to go home.
But I know my mom and I know how much she loves to laugh. So I need to hitch up my britches, and I need to go on, because that’s what Momma B. wants.
And what Momma wants, Momma gets.
It’s time to get up.
And it’s time to live.
Have a good day, People. And I’ll catch ya the next time, looking at life from my shoes.