The Death of an Egg!

Okey-dokey!

 

The Princess asked me if she could “treat me and cook breakfast Christmas morning”.

 

Isn’t she a “Sweetie“?

 

She opened the refrigerator door, took out our 2 remaining eggs and dropped one on the floor!

 

Yep.

 

Guess which one of us had oatmeal that morning? (And it wasn’t ME!)

 

God love her. She keeps me laughing every day!

 

Life is good at our house, People.

 

May your New Year be blessed with good food, much love, the company of good friends and relatives and, of course, an abundance of laughter.

 

And remember: Take it easy on the eggnog over the New Year holiday and I’ll catch ya next week for the beginning of a New Year looking at “Life from My Shoes”!

Lucie and the Blue Rubber Sauna Suit – Part 2

 

All righty!!

The rainy weather is not keeping me in today!

 

I put together an outfit good enough to brave the blizzards of Alaska and head out the door to face the elements, and whom do I run into on this lovely, rain-drenched day?

 

My neighbor 110 lbs., scantily-clad, stylish, umbrella- totting, thirty-something neighbor in matching tights and Nike slicker.

 

“No problem,” I’m thinking to myself, “surely she won’t recognize me in this bulky, royal blue rubber rain outfit – barn boots and all!”

 

And the next thing I hear her yell is, “Hi Lucie! Did you and the Princess have a good holiday?”

 

“Oh for chriminy sakes,” I’m thinking to myself, “Just take me, Lord! Take me now and deliver me and my Buddha belly to the pearly gates!”

 

Could I look any goofier?

 

 (Well, yes, for those of you who know me, I could, but we don’t need to go there, thank you. My self-esteem’s already in the toilet for the morning.)

 

“Why hullo, Sue!” I shout back while clumsily trying to hitch up my rubber paints. “We had a lovely holiday, thank you (I’m thinking to myself, “We BOTH were sick as dogs and the Princess ended up in Urgent Care with walking pneumonia, but life is just grand, Sweetie; just grand!).

 

 “And how was yours and Mark’s holiday?” I volley back.

 

After, spending a rain soaked moment or two exchanging pleasantries, we thankfully go on about the business at hand (of walking) and go on our separate ways.

 

Midway through the walk, the rains lets up enough to reveal a rainbow peak over one of my favorite houses. A grin slowly surfaces on my face and I think,

 

“You’re certainly not going to get an award for being Little Miss Fashion Plate of 2014, but I bet’cha Sue’s cute Nike outfit didn’t double as a “personal sauna” like your rubber suit and barn boots did for you.”

 

I may be old, slightly fluffy in the midriff area and looking a tad silly this morning, but you know what?

 

God and Joan Rivers had a laugh today at my expense and I’m O.K. with that!

 

I’m O.K. – rubber suit, barn boots and all!!!

 

Have a grand day, People!

And if, perchance, you see someone “dressed a little silly” today, remember: Be kind. We’re all a little SILLY, some days!  

 

Lucie and the Blue Rubber Sauna Suit – Part 1

It’s raining today.

Now, for most of you not living in drought-stricken CA, this is no big deal. Fact is, for most of you (say my niece living up in Seattle, WA), this is pretty much a weekly (if not daily) life experience.

However, here in sunny CA this IS a big deal – a very big deal!

So, I’m laying here, cocooned under my cozy comforter with my two cats curled up under my feet, listening to Christmas music and the rain drumming on my roof, thinking,

“It’s really raining cats and dogs out there and I know I need to be walking every day and working on this menopausal midriff of mine, but I think God (and even my Doctor) would give me a pass on this one and let me hang with my cats for a tad longer today.”

Seriously, it’s not fit out there for man or beast today. The wind is howling, my outdoor Christmas decorations (that I meticulously put up 2 days ago, with “fake snow” and all!) are blowing every which way and if I’m not mistaken, I just saw the Christmas hat of our newly acquired Petey the Penguin go flying by my window!

Yep! That’s as good a sign as I needed. No walking for me today! It’s a good excuse to read some of my “fellow bloggers” and catch up with what’s happening in their lives.

O.K., I turn on my computer and one of the first blogs I read about talks about a sitting disease, statistics on diabetes and the obesity epidemic.

 

“Oh swell,” I’m mumbling to myself, “As if I don’t have enough Catholic guilt making me feel bad about my choice to not get out and walk, she’s gotta use all my great excuses for staying fat and not getting out to exercise today. I especially liked her everyone in my family looks like this (fat!) excuse – sounded good to ME!”

Hm…maybe I’ll read someone else.

I’m not into guilt today. It’s raining too much, for Pete’s Sake!

So, I head on over to one of my favorite bloggers to find out what, pray tell, is her topic for the day?

The Art of Procrastination and how we’re all guilty about putting off things that we KNOW we need to do immediately.

Oh…My…God….

Thank you, Lord. If you thought I didn’t get your message with the first blogger, I think I got your message now, thank you very much!

Get your Buddha belly up, Lucie. Find some way to brave the elements and get outside and start walking.

And that, People, is where I’ll leave you until next week!

In the meantime, remember: it’s the holiday season. Be patient with one another and don’t be drinking too much eggnog!!!

Day 1 of Miss Betsy’s Gentle Yoga Class

For the past 15 or so years my family, friends, medical personnel, etc. have been trying to wheedle me into a yoga class to help me manage my daily pain.

Medication does not always help me, so I thought, “What the heck, I’ll try it!”

I solicit my friends’ advice and they suggest the gentle yoga class with Miss Betsy at our local Senior Center. It’s within my budget, close to home and my buddy, Lou, goes there.

Perfect, right???

OK, so on Sunday, I’m all jazzed and getting ready for my “new class”: Got my yoga mat (The Princess tells me to “lose the extra camping mat that I took out or I’ll look like a TOTAL newbie on my first day!”), got my outfit picked out (I don’t wanna look like a total DWEEB in front of “Miss Betsy and the other Yogees”), put my water bottle on the counter so I wouldn’t forget it – and EVEN washed my car! (You never know who you’re gonna run into at the Senior Center! And my windshield was so dusty that I’ve been thinking lately that I should get my eyes checked for cataracts!)

 

So any-way, I fortified myself with oatmeal that morning (even put in a little flax seed with cinnamon for that “extra something special for energy”) – meticulously bandaged my foot (to protect my newly acquired bone spur that I developed trying to get my Buddha belly under control by walking every day) – ironed my outfit (as a newbie, I don’t wanna be rolling around a dirty floor with wrinkly clothes); put on extra deodorant and powder and took an extra shot of mouthwash (lest I offend anyone with some “funky odors” in my first-ever Yoga class!): and out the door I went with the anticipation of a 5-year-old on her first day of school.

My buddy, Lou, graciously brings me to the Center (despite the fact that SHE, herself, cannot go to class that day), shows me around and kindly introduces me to some of the ladies.

After all the introductions, Lou graciously takes her leave and I start to unfold my mat on the floor while chatting with one of the participants.

“Yes,” she reassures me, “this is a good class for beginners. You’ll do fine with Miss Betsy. She’s really good with new people and is just an all-around considerate yoga instructor.”

Well, long story short: After hanging around for 20 minutes and shooting the breeze with Lily (our local retired librarian) and some of the other yogee’s, it turned out that Miss Betsy was a “no show”!

So, I watched the ladies start to methodically roll up their yoga mats and quietly file out the door and I’m thinking, “Damn! Does anybody know if Miss Betsy’s O.K.?”

“Uh, hullo people! Ya think someone should call her and find out if she’s sick or possibly road kill some place between here and her home?”

“No? O.K.”

“Guess I won’t be needin’ my yoga mat this morning (or for that matter that extra shot of deodorant I put on.)”

Geesch.

I find out the next week that Miss Considerate herself had an appointment that morning and forgot to get emails out to everyone!

Swell.

So here I sit on Monday morning with clean, ironed clothes, brushed teeth, a sparkly clean car and smellin’ fresh as a Spring daisy but with no-where to go!

Bummer.

Such is life in my shoes.  Have a great day, Peoples! And remember: keep your clothes ironed, your teeth brushed and never leave the house without clean undies!

My Mom always told me that “in case I got into an accident”. Never made sense to me, so I asked her one day, “Mom, if I get into an accident, don’t ‘cha think that I’m going to end up with soiled undies, anyway?”

 

Mom, not missing a beat, retorted, “Lucie, that’s what MY MOTHER always told ME and now I’m telling YOU! Stop questioning generations of wisdom and get outta here.”

Catch ya next Tuesday, People! And don’t be messing with your Momma’s wisdom!!! (God forbid, you should catch yourself repeating such a cliché to future generations.)

Lucie and the Dental Drool

OK, I go to the Dentist this morning, so he can finish up my “dental work.”

 

And I tell him, “I’m in the midst of a major thyroiditis flare-up, so just be aware.”

 

“OK,” says he and administers enough pain medication to put down a large COW!

 

(How do I know this, you want to know?! Well, it’s been 4 hours and I’m still having difficulty breathing through my right nostril and have no idea where my lips are — or for that matter, where my tongue is in relationship to the roof of my mouth!)

 

Under normal circumstances, this “extra numbness” wouldn’t really be too bothersome because I’d rather have the “extra pain relief,” than actual “PAIN.”

 

But you see, I had to do a million and one errands today, because I have “Curly” of “The 3 Stooges Plumbing Co.” coming over tomorrow, and I don’t have time to do errands any other day this week!

 

So, I take me and my numb lips on over to our local Costco and as I’m pushin’ my cart around, I’m thinkin’ to myself:

 

“Ya know, God has a way of taking care of you. He probably didn’t want you to be shopping tomorrow, which is the day before a major holiday. This is good. Yes, this has total potential for being a good day. Just embrace it and get into a better frame of mind, OK?”

 

“Yep!”

 

That’s what I’m telling myself as I circle the refrigeration section of the store for the fourth time!

 

By this point, I’m developing freezer burn on my thighs from passing the dairy section so many times and I’m thinkin’:

 

“This is ridiculous! Where in Sam Hill are the hotdogs?”

 

“Ah, be still my little heart. Me thinks I spot a helpful Costco employee over in the detergent aisle!”

 

I walk over and ask Mr. Costco himself. Surely he’ll know. He looks to be a bright young man.

 

“Young man, could you please tell me where I’d find the hotdogs?”, I query.

 

He slowly stops what he’s doing, lowers his head, eyes me from head to toe over the rims of his glasses and smugly informs me,

 

“Ma’am, you might wanna try the refrigeration aisle for hotdogs. This is the detergent aisle.”

 

OMG!

 

All I could think of at the time is the comedienne Jeanne Robertson’s comment:

 

“Have you ever wanted to take a young person’s head, put it between your hands, look them square in the face and YELL: Are you in there?! Seriously, Are you in there?!!”

 

(For those of you that have seen her on YOU TUBE, you’ll remember the line. For those of you who haven’t heard of her, You don’t know what you’re missing! Look her up!)

 

To make a short story even longer, I eventually find the hotdogs (And no, People, I don’t usually eat hotdogs, but it was the 4th of July, don’t ‘cha know) and I’m driving outta the parking lot thinking to myself:

 

“What the shit?! Do I look like I’m learning-impaired?!”

 

“My God! I’m old, but not dead yet!”

 

I then catch a look at myself in the rear view mirror and notice what I think is a perspiration stain on the front of my shirt.

 

And then it slowly dawns on me:

 

Oh…My…God! That’s DROOL!!

 

DROOL! (a.k.a dental goop from the caverns of my mouth!! Yuck!)

 

The kid probably took one look at me and thought I was a bonafide member of our local “Over the Hill Retirement Community.

 

Lord! Lord! Lord! How I miss my mind!

 

People, don’t be drooling on yourself! (at least not in public!)

 

I’ll catch ya next week for another adventure living “Life from MY Shoes”!

 

 

 

 

 

).

Good Morning, Peoples!

Good morning, Peoples!

So, I’m standing here at the crack of dawn with my hair looking like Lady Gaga herself, yawning with morning breath from last night’s garlic chicken, freezing my ample-sized butt off, and asking myself,

“What the heck are you doing outta bed, for Chriminy Sakes?”

“It’s dark, it’s cold, and you’re retired! Go back to your warm, comfy bed, Woman! And let the day start without you! Last night’s dishes will wait, ya know? It’s not like you’ve gotta be anyplace this morning, for Pete’s sakes!”

But no, not me!

I gotta get up with the birds and my howling Siamese, and start washing last night’s dishes!

So, I’m standing at the sink, intently scrubbing the caked-on garlic goop outta the pan with the water running, telling Boo to shut da hell up and go eat her food that I just put together (Did I tell you, People, that my cat Boo, has something called “malabsorption syndrome” and needs a specially prepared menu every day? No? Not yet? Hm…well, that’s a story for another day. Anyway, forgive me. I digress.)

I’m washing up some dishes and trying (not too successfully, mind you!) to ignore Boo’s caterwauling when I hear the Princess mumbling something or other while she’s brushing her teeth with her electric toothbrush.

Being hearing impaired and all (and going deaf with an obnoxious, howling cat), I don’t hear her. So, I just continue washing the dishes.

Then all of a sudden, her tiny Princess head shoots out from the bathroom door and yells,

“Lucie! For God’s sakes! Will you answer me?! I can’t stand it when you ignore me like that, ya know? Drives me nuts! Could you PAH-LEEZE listen to me once in awhile?!!!!”

Now for those of you in relationships (either past or present), you know that no matter how I answer that question, I’m gonna lose.

So I’m thinkin’ to myself, “Ya know, I could be wrong, but I think I’m in one of those lose/lose scenarios here.”

I definitely feel like drowning Boo right now, and I think before I get to the point where I wanna drown the Princess, too, I’d better just “take one for the team,” agree with her politely (and ever so subserviently), apologize, and go back to bed.

So, I take a deep, cleansing breath (one that even Miss Betsy of my gentle yoga class would be proud of!), glance at her over my Ben Franklin eye specs and calmly say, “You know, Sweetie ─ you’re right! You’re definitely right. I need to listen to you more often. I’m sorry.”

The humble apology, however, does nothing but add fuel to her displeasure with me, and she irritably responds,

“Ya know, Lucie,” she says between clenched teeth, “I hate it when you’re sarcastic! I really hate it! It’s sooo not becoming, ya know?”

Before I can even so much as say one word in response, she scoots back into the bathroom and continues brushing her teeth and completing her morning cleaning ritual.

By this time, Boo has discovered that today’s menu offering is actually palatable and has hungrily started to chow down, when Molly (cat #2) comes meowing out of my bedroom for her specially prepared diet and medications (Did I tell you, people, that Molly has urinary problems and also needs special foods and medications? No? Not yet? Hm…guess that’s also a story for another day, eh??)

So, I start to meticulously prepare Molly’s special menu. (Ask me someday to tell you how I once took one of Molly’s drugs and almost gave Molly MY drug!!! I scratched myself raw for most of the day and swore I saw fleas hopping around on my arms! But forgive me; once again, I digress!). I then notice that the Princess has finished her morning grooming rituals and is heading out the door on her way to work, when she suddenly stops and starts kissing and lavishing Boo (who has now coyly perched herself on the arm of the couch) with all kinds of lovin’ and hugs.

After a few minutes of smothering Boo with an abundance of lovin’, she inadvertently catches a glimpse of me and suddenly realizes: Oh, that’s right. I have a partner. Maybe I’ll acknowledge her before I go to work, too!

“So,” she queries, “What’s on your busy agenda for today, Hun?”

She’s been asking me this question every day since I retired. I don’t know why, but I rarely answer her with a genuine response. Guess it’s one of those endearing (or not so endearing!) games that couples play with each other when they’ve been a couple for so many years!

Makes me absolutely batty! But whatever….

“Oh nothing,” I sarcastically respond with a grin on my face, “I think I’ll just lounge with the termites today and have an Orange Julius. Have a good day, Sweetie!”

I don’t know, People! I’m thinkin’ a good sense of humor is something worth keeping in my life these days!

What do you think?

Have a great day! I know I will ─ sipping Orange Julius’s and hangin’ with my termite buddies!!!!

 

Until next week’s adventure: laugh often and enthusiastically! Life’s too precious not to!

Lucie and the Princess Get Some New T.P.

Okey – Dokey.

 

So, I’m sitting here today feelin’ itchy “south of the border”, don’t ’cha know? And it dawns on me, “Yep, we stayed at my brother’s and sister-in-law’s last month for my younger brother’s wedding, if you recall, and the Princess happened to comment that she liked their toilet paper.”

 

Nice and smooth, ‘don’t ’cha know, on her highness’ hinny.

 

So, she tells me last week, “Give your sister-in-law a holler, and find out what kind of toilet paper they use, OK?”

 

“I’ve gotta go to work,” she continues, while heading out the door, “so make sure you call her, alright?”

 

“OK, no biggy”, I think to myself, while giving our front room a quick lookey-loo for spider webs and termites. I’ll just add that to my “little honey do list” today and see what I can do for the little Sweetheart!

 

Have I told you about our termite adventure yet, People? NO? The Princess and I are “special”! We live in the land of constant sunshine and warmth and have a vaulted ceiling that termites just love.

 

“Did you know, People, that termites hunker down for three seasons outta four in VAULTED CEILINGS in CA??”

 

“Yep. They do.”  (Hunker down in vaulted ceilings, that is.)

 

We’re so lucky, the Princess and I!

 

And trying to be ever so eco-friendly and all, we had the exterminator use “orange oil” on the little buggers.

 

Yes, you heard right: ORANGE OIL! Supposed to be “non-toxic for you and your animals,” don’t ’cha know, and dastardly on the termites themselves.

 

Yes siree, Bob! These here termites are shaking in their little termite booties, sipping on Orange Julius’s as I write this!!

 

Whatever!!!

 

I ain’t got time for this, for Criminy sakes! I gotta buy the Princess some super-smooth textured t.p., or one of us is gonna be having a little ’tude tonight, don’t ’cha know?

 

Okey – Dokey.

 

So, as I’m entering the local Target store,  I say to myself,  “Let me just ask this nice-looking clerk if he can help direct me to the t.p. aisle.”

 

I give myself a quick look over and pat down for drool, lotion goobers, snot and possible termite escapees; and then proceed to ask the clerk where their t.p. is. (Note: For those few of you who don’t know about the drool, lotion goobers, and snot: Where the heck have you been??!! Seriously!)

 

OK, I digress.

 

So, I get to the t.p. aisle and go into high anxiety mode! (It’s kinda my body’s version of the National Weather’s alert system for hurricanes, only for my special, sensitive Buddha Belly Body!)

 

I’m lookin’ down two very long aisles, packed 3 shelves high with every kind of t.p. under the sun, and I’m thinkin’, “WTS!”(No pun intended!)

 

“Where in God’s creation have I been for the past 10 years?! This is either the Mother Lode of T.P., or I’ve wandered into some kind of Hallmark store for T.P.!!!”

 

“Cazzo! How the hell am I going to choose that special t.p. for her highness’s tush?!!! One brand alone has 5 different kinds!”

 

Hmm…Let me get serious here: We’ve got your “Gentle care with Aloe and Vitamin E and wider sheets.

 

(OK. The Princess and I have gained a few pounds during menopause; the wider sheets could be good. And my Doctor told me I need to start taking some extra vitamins; so the vitamin E could be beneficial, as well.)

 

We’ve got your “Ultra Comfort Care that’s thick and cushiony.”

 

(Uh Huh,  I wouldn’t mind some thick, cushiony t.p. caressing my hinny.)

 

Then there’s your “Strong and Absorbent” followed two rows down next to your, “Ultra Soft Mega Plus t.p. with the Scent of Chamomile.”

 

(Hmm.. this has some serious potential: If you accidentally blow wind some day (in say a movie theater or grocery store), no worries! You’ve got the scent of chamomile to “cover your odiferous gift to the world.”

 

We’ve got your, “Double plus, more absorbent; uses 4x’s less.”

 

(You wanna tell me how they got that little statistic?! Please, I’d like to know!)

 

And last but not least, the ever popular “Econo Grade – No fuss. No muss:  Wipes your butt and gets you outta-the-john-in-a-hurry kind!”

 

(Apparently, that’s similar to the one we already have, so I’ll pass on that one!)

 

Okey – Dokey, Artichokey!

 

This is not gonna be an easy decision, but I’ve gotta date with Larry, Curly and Moe of The Three Stooges Termite Co., and I don’t have time to be too fussy, don’t ’cha know?

 

So I grab the gentle care with aloe and vitamin E! It’s got a $1.00 off coupon stuck on it, and I’m sure this “is a sign” to buy it!

 

Yep. Life is just swell, People; just swell!

 

I’m sitting here squirming around on my desk chair feeling awfully “sensitive” in these here delicate parts of my body, and it’s slowly sinking in:

 

“You darn fool! You’re allergic to everything under the sun (and then more!).”

 

“I bet you’re allergic to the new T.P.!”

 

“For Chriminy sakes, Lucie! You’d best be taking the new allergy drug Dr. T. ordered for you last week! Otherwise, it’s gonna be a long night! A very long night!!!!”

 

That’s Life in My Shoes today, People! Go out and spread a little sunshine around for others! You never know what people are going through in their shoes.

 

And by all means, People, don’t be buying any new toilet tissue without giving some SERIOUS consideration to your little sensitivities!! Until next week……“Life in Lucie’s Shoes” is always an adventure!