I’ll be Ready, too…

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Numb.

There is no feeling.

No thoughts.

I’m autistic.

Totally overwhelmed.

I wake up waiting.

Go through the day.

I eat, sleep, take care of my responsibilities.

My heart is in my throat.

I have everything to say, but am wordless.

I laugh.

I cry.

I wash clothes and sweep the floor.

Exercise. Shop. Clean the garage.

I call Mom.

“How are you and the Princess doing?” she asks.

“Good,” I answer.

“How are you, Mom?”

“Lazy,” she answers. “Very lazy.”

“Rest, Mom,” I tell her.

“Save your strength and rest.”

“Yes,” she answers. “Love you, sweetheart. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Mom.”

“Bye.”

Her time in this life is short. She’s ready. Her body is spent. She does everything to keep her mind sharp; does everything to show her children and loved ones that’s she’s still present and still Mom.

But the cancer and leukemia are slowly robbing her of her self-hood; of  her being.

And I am not ready to say good-bye; not ready to fly solo, but solo I must try.

When you’re ready, Mom, I’ll be ready, too.

Promise Mom.

I’ll be ready, too…

Published by

Lucie

I'm a retired special ed teacher, born in upstate NY, who spent most of my adult life in the SF/Bay Area and moved to the Olympic Peninsula of WA in June of 2017. At the encouragement of family and friends, who followed my silliness on my FB page, I started this blog a few years ago. I try to keep my topics as humorous as possible (because I believe "LIFE" is pretty serious these days), but will, on occasion write about more solemn subjects. I sincerely appreciate all who take the time and effort to read and make comments and am truly humbled when people actually "like" what I write. I do not participate in the "Wordpress awards" because I feel "awarded" when individuals actually read me and comment, but sincerely appreciate all of you who have considered me "award worthy" and thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs, Lucie

31 thoughts on “I’ll be Ready, too…”

  1. OMG! I don’t know how I found you, but so glad I did! !
    First, I was saddened to hear about the passing of your mother…😓. You are such a devoted, loving daughter!

    I have had to reorganize everything in my life. This is partly a good thing… In late November, I passed out for the third time. I decided to figure out what was wrong. I had to go to Santa Rosa to have a pacemaker put in. They called in “Sick Sinus Syndrome” (one has sinuses in/near the heart😳). It is hereditary, I remember when my mother had it. Luckily I “came to” and had Linda take me to the hospital in Lakeport. Spent the night in the CCU there before Santa Rosa trip. The fellow in the CCU was the best part of the whole ordeal! He was hilarious! Imagine, an ICU dr. comedian right there in Lakeport! Had a pacemaker installed(?). No problem, however, I broke my collar bone in the fall and wanted to be done With misery right then and there. Morphine became my new best friend! Somebody said it doesn’t last very long, but anytime I buzzed for it they came running.
    Shortened version of what happened next:
    I went back to my couch at Linda’s and Amy came to help me pack things up. She was as worthless as I was so she called Kerry to come help… it was decided Kerry and Erik would build an apt. For me on their property. So off I went. Am staying in a delightful motel down the street from Kerry….in Santa Cruz until new digs are ready.
    I am just now coming out of the stupor of all that happened, I think. I was without oxygen to the brain for God knows how long so my short term memory is shot. My girls wanted me to sell my car! I refused! I am trying to maintain but am so sad to be here. Santa Cruz isn’t like it was in 1966. All the fresh faced surfer dudes are now decrepit, bumbling bums. Reminds me of the walking dead. I only go out if I have to…
    Which now I have to…
    Once again I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Sure wish I could’ve met her!
    SO GLAD TO HAVE HAPPENED UPON YOUR BLOG! Take care of yourself! Love to Linda!

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  3. Most of us here have had our parents leave us, and it is scary to have nobody out there to keep us from “falling off the edge of the world”. Your mom had lived a long life, and her children rise up and call her blessed. What more now can the Lord say than, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant?” She is in Good Hands. And so are you.

    Love, Lady Anne

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    1. Thank you sweetie…. Your loving thoughts are very appreciated. Thankfully, my mom is currently not experiencing terrible pain (that I know of, any way). Hospice nurse has assured us that morphine will be given if she does…
      So sorry your dad went through that…

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    1. We just found out about the leukemia. When the cancer was diagnosed we suspected the leukemia, as well, but we didn’t want the painful tests done on her….Thanks for the love… ❤

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  8. I’m here with you sister. Does she know that all of you are fine? That she did her job and you’re Ok? I’ll bet that she does. It will hurt for a long time. She knows you love her. Others of us are here. 💕

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  9. Your mom is always your mom but we don’t live forever. It is the circle of life. Your mom was a great woman and raised her children well. The greatest gift you can give her is to be happy and be a good person. I know you have done that. She is proud of you And loves you.

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  10. What a beautifully written tribute to you and your mom.
    Thank you for taking the risk to write about your feelings
    And the expending loss of you wonderful mom. Sending
    You love and light Shawn

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  11. and when her time comes, a part of you will be ready to help her along on her journey, and part of you will never be ready, but you will live on and thrive, all in her honor, as she would want you to – hugs

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  12. The Lord will take her when he is ready, Just like he took mine. She did make it to 100. She was ready though, but us left behind although we think we will be ready but when it happens you’re Not. My heart goes out to you and you’re family this is such a hard time for all. My prayers go out to you and Momma too
    Take care of yourself !!
    Love Vita

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    1. I think you’re right, Vita, but I need to TRY “to be ready”, so that her spirit can smoothly transition “homeward”……thanks for your prayers. I know you understand….doesn’t matter how old YOU are or YOUR mom is, it’s still your mom…..Hugs, Lucie ❤

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