Praying to go Home

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I find myself at a loss for words these days. My heart is heavy and my thoughts are cloudy.

I have never been keen on saying “good-bye” to people, and if the truth be told, I’m the relative that always tears up at the airport and has to blow my nose a few hundred times before sending people on their way.

What can I say? Underneath my wry humor and at times quick wit, I’m an emotional lightweight; especially when it comes to my mom and people that I love.

Mom had to leave her apartment 3 weeks ago and was placed in assisted living. My siblings and I felt she needed more assistance and mom agreed to the move. She was struggling with trying to do simple, daily chores and could barely make an egg for herself to eat for breakfast. She knew that she couldn’t live independently any more and WE knew that she couldn’t, either. All the aides and help from family and friends could not maintain her and keep her safe; no matter how hard everyone tried.

My oldest brother contacted me this week. Mom is in the hospital. Didn’t really surprise me because I talk to her every day and have been keenly aware of the fact that she was not feeling well for some time now.

He called me for a second time this week. I knew when I saw his number on my cell phone that it wasn’t going to be a social call. Everyone that knows my brother knows that he’s not one for idle chatter.

So when I got the second call from him in as many days this week, I knew the call wasn’t going to be fun.

“Hey,” he started. “How ya doing this morning?”

“Swell,” I answered. “What’s up?”

“I just got off the phone with Carmie (our cousin).”

“Mom’s not doing so great. Doctor is referring her to rehab and then recommended that she go to the nursing home, after rehab,” he informed me.

“Hm,” I mumbled. “Doesn’t sound too encouraging.”

“Well,” he answered. “I called Uncle Toney. He’ll go up and see her and said he’d give me a ring later.”

“Yeah,” I responded. “That sounds like a plan. Call me, if you hear anything.”

My mom is over 3,000 miles away, struggling to survive, while at the same time praying to go home.

And I, her oldest daughter, idly sit with heavy heart and cloudy thoughts.

My mom wants us to play and to live life fully and doesn’t want us to feel sad. When she passes, she wants us to go to lunch and laugh with each other and remind each other of past fun times.

And I so want to honor my mother’s last wishes. I so want to be the dutiful daughter.

But it’s hard to laugh and go on living, when my mom is over 3,000 miles away and struggling to survive.

And at the same time praying to go home.

But I know my mom and I know how much she loves to laugh. So I need to hitch up my britches, and I need to go on, because that’s what Momma B. wants.

And what Momma wants, Momma gets.

It’s time to get up.

And it’s time to live.

Have a good day, People. And I’ll catch ya the next time, looking at life from my shoes.

 

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Lucie

I'm a retired special ed teacher, born in upstate NY, who spent most of my adult life in the SF/Bay Area and moved to the Olympic Peninsula of WA in June of 2017. At the encouragement of family and friends, who followed my silliness on my FB page, I started this blog a few years ago. I try to keep my topics as humorous as possible (because I believe "LIFE" is pretty serious these days), but will, on occasion write about more solemn subjects. I sincerely appreciate all who take the time and effort to read and make comments and am truly humbled when people actually "like" what I write. I do not participate in the "Wordpress awards" because I feel "awarded" when individuals actually read me and comment, but sincerely appreciate all of you who have considered me "award worthy" and thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs, Lucie

25 thoughts on “Praying to go Home”

      2. Aw…so sorry Mitch. There’s a book called, “Motherless Daughters” that your wife may enjoy reading…..I pick it up once in awhile and read certain passages/chapters. Offers some pretty solid input and validation when I’m feeling down…one of our blogger friends told me that the first year you just “ride the waves of emotions”….I think she was pretty spot on with that comment. One day the seas are calm and the next day I’m sobbing and things are a little “rough”…..my sympathy to both of you, Mitch. I don’t care how old you are when your Mom dies, it still hurts…..Hugs, Lucie

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  2. Oh, my dear Lucie, it saddens me to read of your mom’s decline and your heartbreak. Of course your heart is heavy and your head filled with cloudy thoughts. She is so far away and you love her so very much. Actually, we, your readers, love her as well; we have to after the wonderful stories you’ve written about her thatmade us feel we knew her. Your words “My mom is over 3,000 miles away, struggling to survive, while at the same time praying to go home,” captures your understanding of your mom’s situation and your heartbreak as well. I am holding you close. Love, Janet

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    1. Thanks, sweetie. It’s one of those experiences I’d like to forego, but alas I can not…..my mom continues to be a little character even in her decline…love that woman with my whole heart. Catch ya later, gator. Thx 4 taking the time to “read my heart”….<3 Hugs.Lucie

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  4. I am saying a prayer for you now. One of the most frustrating parts of my mother’s declining health was not her health itself, but was watching her mourn the loss of losing her ability to play the piano. One of the most encouraging parts was, well, the openness she gave to me to encourage her. I think I felt her love even more then.

    Be well, my friend.

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    1. Aw…you’re such a sweetheart, Steve. You, of all people, know/feel what I’m going through…Thank you for taking the time to comment in the midst of your own grief…My heart and prayers go out to you and your family, as well, dear friend. Love, Lucie ❤

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      2. Thanks, Betsy. I flew out in June with one of her “summer trips to the hospital” for congestive heart failure; thought she was going to pass then, but lo and behold, I brought her back to her apartment and she did a tad better. My older brother and his wife went back and spent 2 months getting her into assisted living and my younger brother and sister were recently out there. Not sure what I’m going to do at this point……any way, thanks, dear heart for your support..<3 Lucie

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    1. I am so sorry to hear about Mom. It doesn’t sound very encouraging but it also sounds like she’s probably ready. I love that woman so much and she’s always been my favorite Aunt.
      Are you going to try and get back there anytime soon? It’s crazy because I don’t know what else to say to you, because there are so many emotions. I don’t want to see her in pain and suffering, but I don’t want to see her go. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the rest of the family. I love you all. 🙏🏻❤️💔

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  8. I have also been there. My Dad spent the last years of his life on dialysis. He kept on truckin’ but he was also more than ready to go home. Your mother is a woman of great faith, and while you will miss her, you can be sure she is in Good Hands. Maybe fly home now while you can visit and talk, and never mind the funeral. Your mother will understand. Love ya, kiddo! Hang in there.

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