Spider Guts and Clean Sneaks

Mom called me this morning. The weather was crappy and she was bored.

“Hey,” she said, starting the conversation.

“Your sister, Carmie, called this morning.”

“Hm…that’s nice,” I mumbled as I tried to feign interest.

“What’d Carmie have to say this morning, Ma?” I asked.

“Ya know,” she said, totally ignoring my question. “You kids need to let the phone ring longer when you call me sometimes. Your sister called when I was on the toilet this morning and only let the phone ring 3 times before leaving a message. Cazzo! I’m old, ya know? I can’t get off the toilet and answer the phone that quickly any more. My legs aren’t that flexible any longer.”

“I know, Ma,” I started to say before she continued rattling on.

“You kids are so impatient. Wait ‘till you get to be my age,” she continued.

“Mom,” I tried interjecting again. “If you change the answering machine setting…”

“You kids are all alike,” she said, interrupting one more time. “You’re all in such a damn hurry.”

“It’s a miracle I didn’t have a heart attack trying to answer the phone this morning,” she continued.

“Uh-Hun,” I quickly interjected before she started on another tirade.

“Don’t you have your card game today at Trackside with the gang?” I asked, trying my darndest to change the topic of conversation.

“Yeah,” she responded. “I hope we play cards today, but it’s windy out and it’s supposed to sprinkle. Who the hell knows if they’ll show up today? The girls don’t like the wind or rain.”

“Well,” I responded, “Isn’t the place that you play cards right there on ….”

Once again, she interrupts, “Cazzo! What the hell is crawling on my rug?”

“Che schifo (keh SKEE-feh, ‘how disgusting’)!”

“I don’t vacuum today and I’ve got a spider crawling on my rug! Don’t hang up, Lucie. I gotta kill this damn spider!”

“I’m not going anywhere, Ma, I…” and again she interrupts me.

“Son-ah-batch! Your Mother’s a killer!” she yelled into my ear.

“Shit! Now I’ve got squished spider guts on the bottom of my clean sneaks,” she rattles on.

“Damn it! I’m gonna hafta wash my sneaks and I just washed them last week.”

“Well, Ma,” I calmly started to say. “You can simply wipe off the….”

And once again, I get cut off mid-sentence.

“If I wasn’t such a pig and vacuumed my rug this morning, the little shit wouldn’t have found a home on my rug and I wouldn’t have had to squish it with my sneaker,” she abruptly informed me.

“Well,” I started again trying to get her back on the topic of playing cards today. “Why don’t you wash your sneakers tomorrow and go over and play cards today with the girls? It’ll give you something to do, alright?” I lovingly suggested, trying to get her off of the topic of squished spider guts.

“Madonna! I told you at the start of our conversation, it’s windy today and it’s supposed to rain. Ma, che sei grullo! (How silly are you?),” she said.

“Well, Mom, don’t you guys all live right there at the complex?” I innocently asked.

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” I continued, “but isn’t the hall like 20 to 30 feet from your apartment complex?”

“Yeah,” she curtly answered, “but like I said Lucie, it’s supposed to rain and be windy today.”

“Uh-Hun,” I mumbled.

“Don’t you all have umbrellas out there on the East Coast, Ma? Or rain slickers?”

“Can’t you put on a rain slicker and brave the elements for 20 feet, for Pete’s sake?” I continued.

“Ya know, Lucie, I’m so glad you went to college. You’re such a stoonod (idiot)!”

“Cazzo,” I answered back.

“Ya know, old woman, if ya don’t wanna walk the 20 or so feet in a little wind and rain today to play cards with your buddies, then stay home by yourself and work on your circle word puzzles. I really don’t care. I thought you sounded a little bored and lonely when you first called me, but what ta hell do I know? I’m an educated stoonod!”

Yep.

Conversing with my Mom can be sooo uplifting some days, ya know?

She’s lucky I love the little rompicoglioni (pain in the ass).

Have a great day today, People, and I’ll catch ya next time, looking at life from my shoes.