Lucie and the Princess Get Some New T.P.

Okey – Dokey.

 

So, I’m sitting here today feelin’ itchy “south of the border”, don’t ’cha know? And it dawns on me, “Yep, we stayed at my brother’s and sister-in-law’s last month for my younger brother’s wedding, if you recall, and the Princess happened to comment that she liked their toilet paper.”

 

Nice and smooth, ‘don’t ’cha know, on her highness’ hinny.

 

So, she tells me last week, “Give your sister-in-law a holler, and find out what kind of toilet paper they use, OK?”

 

“I’ve gotta go to work,” she continues, while heading out the door, “so make sure you call her, alright?”

 

“OK, no biggy”, I think to myself, while giving our front room a quick lookey-loo for spider webs and termites. I’ll just add that to my “little honey do list” today and see what I can do for the little Sweetheart!

 

Have I told you about our termite adventure yet, People? NO? The Princess and I are “special”! We live in the land of constant sunshine and warmth and have a vaulted ceiling that termites just love.

 

“Did you know, People, that termites hunker down for three seasons outta four in VAULTED CEILINGS in CA??”

 

“Yep. They do.”  (Hunker down in vaulted ceilings, that is.)

 

We’re so lucky, the Princess and I!

 

And trying to be ever so eco-friendly and all, we had the exterminator use “orange oil” on the little buggers.

 

Yes, you heard right: ORANGE OIL! Supposed to be “non-toxic for you and your animals,” don’t ’cha know, and dastardly on the termites themselves.

 

Yes siree, Bob! These here termites are shaking in their little termite booties, sipping on Orange Julius’s as I write this!!

 

Whatever!!!

 

I ain’t got time for this, for Criminy sakes! I gotta buy the Princess some super-smooth textured t.p., or one of us is gonna be having a little ’tude tonight, don’t ’cha know?

 

Okey – Dokey.

 

So, as I’m entering the local Target store,  I say to myself,  “Let me just ask this nice-looking clerk if he can help direct me to the t.p. aisle.”

 

I give myself a quick look over and pat down for drool, lotion goobers, snot and possible termite escapees; and then proceed to ask the clerk where their t.p. is. (Note: For those few of you who don’t know about the drool, lotion goobers, and snot: Where the heck have you been??!! Seriously!)

 

OK, I digress.

 

So, I get to the t.p. aisle and go into high anxiety mode! (It’s kinda my body’s version of the National Weather’s alert system for hurricanes, only for my special, sensitive Buddha Belly Body!)

 

I’m lookin’ down two very long aisles, packed 3 shelves high with every kind of t.p. under the sun, and I’m thinkin’, “WTS!”(No pun intended!)

 

“Where in God’s creation have I been for the past 10 years?! This is either the Mother Lode of T.P., or I’ve wandered into some kind of Hallmark store for T.P.!!!”

 

“Cazzo! How the hell am I going to choose that special t.p. for her highness’s tush?!!! One brand alone has 5 different kinds!”

 

Hmm…Let me get serious here: We’ve got your “Gentle care with Aloe and Vitamin E and wider sheets.”

 

(OK. The Princess and I have gained a few pounds during menopause; the wider sheets could be good. And my Doctor told me I need to start taking some extra vitamins; so the vitamin E could be beneficial, as well.)

 

We’ve got your “Ultra Comfort Care that’s thick and cushiony.”

 

(Uh Huh,  I wouldn’t mind some thick, cushiony t.p. caressing my hinny.)

 

Then there’s your “Strong and Absorbent” followed two rows down next to your, “Ultra Soft Mega Plus t.p. with the Scent of Chamomile.”

 

(Hmm.. this has some serious potential: If you accidentally blow wind some day (in say a movie theater or grocery store), no worries! You’ve got the scent of chamomile to “cover your odiferous gift to the world.”

 

We’ve got your, “Double plus, more absorbent; uses 4x’s less.”

 

(You wanna tell me how they got that little statistic?! Please, I’d like to know!)

 

And last but not least, the ever popular “Econo Grade – No fuss. No muss:  Wipes your butt and gets you outta-the-john-in-a-hurry kind!”

 

(Apparently, that’s similar to the one we already have, so I’ll pass on that one!)

 

Okey – Dokey, Artichokey!

 

This is not gonna be an easy decision, but I’ve gotta date with Larry, Curly and Moe of The Three Stooges Termite Co., and I don’t have time to be too fussy, don’t ’cha know?

 

So I grab the gentle care with aloe and vitamin E! It’s got a $1.00 off coupon stuck on it, and I’m sure this “is a sign” to buy it!

 

Yep. Life is just swell, People; just swell!

 

I’m sitting here squirming around on my desk chair feeling awfully “sensitive” in these here delicate parts of my body, and it’s slowly sinking in:

 

“You darn fool! You’re allergic to everything under the sun (and then more!).”

 

“I bet you’re allergic to the new T.P.!”

 

“For Chriminy sakes, Lucie! You’d best be taking the new allergy drug Dr. T. ordered for you last week! Otherwise, it’s gonna be a long night! A very long night!!!!”

 

That’s Life in My Shoes today, People! Go out and spread a little sunshine around for others! You never know what people are going through in their shoes.

 

And by all means, People, don’t be buying any new toilet tissue without giving some SERIOUS consideration to your little sensitivities!! Until next week……“Life in Lucie’s Shoes” is always an adventure!

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Lucie

I'm a retired special ed teacher, born in upstate NY, who spent most of my adult life in the SF/Bay Area and moved to the Olympic Peninsula of WA in June of 2017. At the encouragement of family and friends, who followed my silliness on my FB page, I started this blog a few years ago. I try to keep my topics as humorous as possible (because I believe "LIFE" is pretty serious these days), but will, on occasion write about more solemn subjects. I sincerely appreciate all who take the time and effort to read and make comments and am truly humbled when people actually "like" what I write. I do not participate in the "Wordpress awards" because I feel "awarded" when individuals actually read me and comment, but sincerely appreciate all of you who have considered me "award worthy" and thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs, Lucie

12 thoughts on “Lucie and the Princess Get Some New T.P.”

  1. Baaahhaaaa!!! Two people totally cracked me up here, you Lucie and Cathy your new found mate with stinky bathroom issues, I have been cackling the whole way through.
    I knew you would pick the loo paper with the Aloe, it infers soothness, yet it delivers pain. It’s like the snotty tissues with Aloe, soothing one thinks, NOT!!!! Rudolph the red nose reindeer more like. Cathy’s comment reminds me of a root problem we had with our dunnie, same as her Mr Stinky guys, we had them bring this 4 metre long metal whirly contraption all through the house (scratched the shite out of our timber floors), didn’t fix shite with our loo. We ended up with a front end loader having to knock over a palm tree that was the root of our loo problem. You guys are Soooo! Funny, I would love to be a fly (who can hear by the way) on the wall when you and Cathy share your dunny stories. Before I sign off, there is an Aussie movie titled ‘Kenny’, it’s hilarious, Kenny is a Mr Stinky guy, I recommend it for a good ol laugh.
    Funny, great story Lucie, love it!!!!
    Chees from
    Annie in Australia 🌞 🌴 🌊

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    1. Aw…you make me blush, Buddy! Thank you for your kind words! And you are soooooo perceptive with my buddy, Cathy!!! I’ve encouraged her to write because she’s soooo, soooo funny, but she’s hesitant. I worked with her at our school for years and she cracked us up all the time. The woman’s BRILLIANT and one of the most dear, dear people you ever wanna meet. And I’ll check out your “Mr. Stinky” if I can get it here! Your response to me, dear heart, is a post….everyone needs to read it!!! Catch ya later, Gator!!! PS Where do u get the symbols that you sign off with????? Hm…They’re cute!! Cheers to you, my little Aussie Buddy! Lucie ❤

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    2. What?!!!! I just spent 5 minutes typing up a response and in the blink of a minute, it’s gone?!!! Tell me it ain’t so???? CAZZO!!!! This pisses me off! Damn! Shoot….any way, Cathy IS a hoot! I worked with her for years and shes a crack up. Totally funny and super bright! Want her to write a blog, but so far, no go…I know people would LOVE her! And your response to me, Annie, belongs in a blog! Others need to read it! It’s a hoot! I’ll check out ‘Kenny” and the movie if I can get it here. Many thanks for your lovely comments, my little Aussie friend! PS Where do u get your little symbols that you sign off with????? I want some! Hugs! Lucie ❤

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      1. Keep encouraging Cathy to share her humour with us, I will pop in for a visit on her blogsite. I can’t wait for your next post Lucie, lovin’ your work big time mate. Me little doovalackies at the end of my posts are in the emoji’s with a puppy symbol. Australia has stacks of sunshine, palm trees and great surfing, ya need to get on down here sometime mate. I have the welcome mat out always, plenty of spare rooms and I guarantee you and (ya hafta bring Princess) will have a rippa time. Fair dinkum Lucie, offers there if ever ya get a hinkling for an Aussie adventure.
        Hugs from
        Annie in Australia 🌞 🌴 🌊

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    1. Boy, ain’t THAT the truth!!! Thanks for reading my post. I’m truly humbled when “strangers” read me. Thanks, again, Erica. Life in MY SHOES ain’t always “pretty”, but it certainly brings a smile to my face (MOST days, anyways!!) 🙂

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  4. Very good one! Oh, how I love bathroom humor! This reminds me of an “ordeal” Mr. Stoopid and I had! Long ago and far away…..

    Sunday, he announces the toilet is backed up. No amount of plunging rectifies this problema. He goes to the phone book and finds a service called, “Let Stinky do it”. Stinky says he will be right over…4 hours go by and we see his truck pull up. Now the entire neighborhood knows. Out of the truck emerge 3 men who give the appearance they were JUST released from prison. Hmmm, says Stinky, gotta come back tomorrow. I quickly gather up good jewelery, sterling, passport, birth certificate etc. and schlepp it over to my neighbor! Next day, they arrive and Stinky has a device that has a camera attached to the end of a long thingee. After some time he announces tree roots have invaded the pipe that goes through lawn to sewer in the street – said he’d be back tomorrow. Take shower at neighbor’s house. Arrives next day, digs up a row of (glorious) lawn, fiddles around, tells me roots are gone and we should be good to go! (Sorry). Not good to go. Now we are using the bathroom at McDonalds, they probably think we are homeless. Still shower at neighbor’s house. After 2 or 3 days a WOMAN shows up. She sends down another camera and finds the problem…The original camera used by The Stinkman had broken off n the damn pipe. She retrieves the thing and offers to fix the lawn. EXCUSE ME, kindly refund the $3,500 I paid to be tortured! No tree roots! We did get our $ back. I wanted to sue the daylights out of them but Mr. Stoopid reminded me of the original convict-esque types who KNOW our address. Sent from my iPad

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    1. OMG, Woman! We’ve gotta talk! One of my “original plumbing stories’ involved the SAME plumbing company!!! I haven’t published it yet on my blog! You’re too funny, Ethyl! (Seriously! We need to talk!!! Email me! Your life is a blog! Trust me, Kiddo! You’re funny!)

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